Like Brummy guy randomly said to the camera in Waynes world 2..... 'Didn't you think it was a trifle unnecessary to see the crack in the Indians bottom.....'

Probably not, no!! But are many things in life necessary? Take weddings for example, obviously, you don't want to see bum crack at a wedding if you can help it!! But is the extravagance you see at modern day weddings necessary? Some choose the big, glam, wham bam thank you Mam and Dad for taking out a mahoooosif loan and financially crippling yourselves for my wedding, some choose to elope, others choose to put their heads together and come up with a dream. Helen and Rich opted for the latter, and like all good dreams it came true! Wellie and Richs wedding was totally unconventional, beautifully unique and effectively simplistic. She spent weeks gutting her Fathers farm, ridding it of years of cows pat plops, rubble and general farm clutter, with a little help from her friends, she transformed her farm into a countryside wedding venue with a twist.

Rich and Wellie gathered bits from all over the world on their travels last year, cool lanterns from India and floating fire lanterns from Thailand. They gathered kegs of beer from Hesket New Market microbrewery (alright, so that's only up the road!) and meat from the animals reared on the farm. There was a monster BBQ with loads of lush meat, funky salads and veg medallies. The cake wasn't a traditional wedding cake, it was about 10 different cakes made by the fine hands of a school of crafty bakers!! Yummy!! The alchol literally on tap too. Helens Bro was flexing his guns pulling pints of fine ale from the local brewery for the masses, I think after a while the novelty wore off as we all seemed to helped ourselves!

Helen and Rich decorated the barns with hay bail seats, tree stump tables, tea lights and beautiful white swags of material hanging from the walls and ceilings. The in flight entertainment consisted of a full scale ceilidh! They played mostly english folk music, but the temptation got the better of them eventually and they succumbed to a sneaky Strip the Willow and a few other Scottish lovelies! Everyone at some stage was seranaded by Big Aurther...and as the night progressed and the rentals retired, the funk was boomed and the hangovers were doomed!! There was a firework display and a peaceful floating fire lantern display too!! The lanterns were awesome, big phallic shaped paper domes with a wire mesh on the bottom that you set fire to. The heat from the fire rises and lifts the lanterns high in the sky like teeny, weeny little UFOs!! Watch out cows!!

It was a really chilled affair, pretty civilised for us lot, all things considered!! It was lovely to be able to rise up from the tent in the morning sun, after a wicked night, a little muddy and bedraggled with memory still intact!! I don't know why I call Wellie Wellie, I just have done since I could remember!! Anyway, the dress code for the Pongwiff girls was FROCKS and WELLIES...and boy, we did good!! It rained later in the night and the wellies worked there wonders and saved us all from soggy feet and pooey toes! Function before fashion...nae danger Texas ranger...fashion and function all in one!

On a wee tangent, speaking of rangers, let me introduce you to FARMBOOK. It's going to revolutionise dating in Cumbria as we know it! Kath spent most of the weekend recruiting sexy young ladies and affluent hard working farming MEN for her online farming dating agency, ironically, she got the majority of the guys at the Sausage Fest!! (Tirril Pubs annual Beer and Sausage festival, and it is just that!!) So, if you are young, looking for some prime beef, and good breeding stock, ladies this could be your lucky day! Go online to http://www.farmbook.co.uk/ (ok, so just bear it in mind for now, the site isn't quite up and running, but when it is, go and see the hotties the girls have rustled!!) EEE IIII adio, the farmer wants a wife!!! There are prerequisites, so be warned!! You will need a full grasp of the Cumbrian dialect, a sturdy pair of hunter wellingtons, a firm hind, enough spring in yer legs to laup over a gate, a set of spade like hands with years of shovelling capabilities, a fine tuned love and nose for turd from a variety of different animal species and the ability to turn your hand to using an abundance of different electrically powered goods, combine harvesters, quad bikes and carving knives to name but a few!!

Ten years ago, In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These women promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the QUEENS HEAD beer cellar (Tirril, nr Penrith). Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as LADIES WHAT LUNCH. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... THE FARMBOOK GIRLS. Ride hard, tard and always use protection. X

P.S I am 9795 days old which in hours is....approx 235,103 hours old! At the time of print...so there you have it!! A sphincter says WHAT?? x